Post Fear

This is one site that makes me sad and angry at once. 99% of the posts are about broken hearts that cannot mend or fear that a current love will end in irreversible brokeness. I cannot help but think that if there are this many destroyed people whose lives are in turmoil because the person they love and loves them doesn't think it is worth working at and so they choose a lesser life and you are sentenced to worse. Being a stranger. Fight against the world and those negative thoughts that say it isn't worth working for, rail against it. Do not let it or society closest to your everyday life ruin the most precious relationship you will ever have. The most precious things in life are born of savage pain and hard work. It is an imperfect world. But I wonder if we would treasure it as much if it cost us nothing?

Some quotes just from the first page of Post Fear that hit close to heart:

I'm afraid I'll never get over this. I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough. I'm afraid this will over take me and in the end..I'll be alone.

I'm so scared that if we get to a point. You will end up breaking my heart.

I'm afraid I will never be able to forget you.

I'm terrified that because you do those things. You will have no friends, no health, no life...literally.


I am so angry right now. I try to hate him, but I cannot. You know, I don't even like heels. They are awkward for a tall woman to wear and I cannot walk fast in them. But I loved wearing them for him because HE loved them. I loved getting them for him. It was one small way I could show him how much I wanted him and embraced him as he is. It was not about shoes but about loving him...everything that makes him, HIM. And how when he accepts himself, it completes me in a way nothing else can. How I wanted to please him and love him and show him that he was worth it. And now, he wants me to be a stranger and tells me I am just "very devoted". And it is breaking my heart in places that I already thought long shattered. Dogs are devoted. Waspish harpy wives are devoted. I LOVE.

How can he do this? How? I don't understand and it is a searing constant pain. I scream "Damn You!" but immediately "I LOVE You! Don't do this!" I want to make him hurt as much as I do but then at the same second I want to hold him in my arms and lavish him with unconditional love. Is it so horrible that I want this too? Am I so unworthy? Because there is nothing worse than being told that you are great and wonderful and too worthy....so be a stranger. I do not think I am unworthy of his love but am I to be small and mean and petty since who I am is TOO much? Would that allow me into my love's good graces? Would he accept me then? But wouldn't that make me a different person to the one he loves? I am so confused. And time has not eased it. Feelings have gone, but this love remains and burns. Like a fever it curdles all inside me. But unlike a fever it will not break.