Why do we write

Today, I am reminded of a French movie, Children of the Century, about George Sand and Alfred de Musset. In the end, she realizes he never received her last love letters to him. She goes to the cemetery to read them to him and an old man comes upon her:

George Sand: "He never received them."

Old Man: "If he had received them would that have changed things?"

George Sand: "Yes...No...I don't know...I don't know. Love does exist. It is not an illusion. I'm sure of that now. One merely has to recognize it and be humble before it. We didn't understand it. We parted in the arrogance of youth. We didn't know then what we learnt with time: We only love once with all our soul. Today, I know it. It was him. He was that one time."

At least Alfred was really dead and could suffer no more on earth. How horrible to know that the love of all your soul is still alive. But does not want to be with you because "It doesn't work". That he wants to go on with his life and tries so many things and yet he just grows sicker physically, mentally and spiritually.

How it hurts to know that he will not accept love. That he tries to outsource his affections in attempt to recreate some of what we have. As if surface things like physical pleasure or fantasies can truly satisfy the deeper satisfactions of true love that go beyond physical or even words.

When as he told me that I was the end of his searching, that I was who he'd looked for and now would no longer search... how can he go through life only choosing second-best when his true love tells him he is worthy of all good things? I know his words were not trite or loosely said. He is too serious and honourable. He has too much wisdom gleaned from his past to have said them casually. It is not his character and they were never said in the heat of passion.

But with all good things comes the task of being completely vulnerable and accepting that he is worthy of having a woman love him with all her heart and soul. Who cares for him and wishes to heal his wounds. He continues to grow more ill, even though I have been away from him for three years. And yet, he would still choose illness over us. And this is very depressing. How can I be what I am to be if my love is miserable and keeps going down a path that only causes him more pain and suffering?

He has nose bleeds now, terrible nose bleeds. And yet, he did not seem to realize that when he was with me that they abated. In fact, they ceased. It was only after we were apart that they came back with a vengence. What causes him not to see this? Why does he think we cause them - the stress of being together when it is when he is running from us that he begins to bleed profusely. And why oh why won't he see that he deserves his one true love. That she was created to be a part of his life. To encourage and build him up. To help him see what a great man he is and is still to become.