Be Humble Before It

Love does exist. It is not an illusion. I'm sure of that now. One merely has to recognize it and be humble before it.

I pray every night to wake up and not love him or think of him. But it is not taken away and so I must learn to bow to it. It will color every chapter of my life and the future will be the darker for all this savage painful loneliness. I have lost my best friend; I have lost him. He sees me as a stranger. There is nothing so painful. Even death is something that cannot be stopped. But conscious, deliberate cutting off. It is a death one has to live every day. I trust him that he is right and I want him to be happy. But is he? And does he still trust me and my love? I must learn to be humble even more. I have bent as low as I thought I could, but every day I realize that there is still room to bend more before it.

I must learn that if I see him at a hunt, that I am to not show how my heart leaps at the sight of him, my closest and dearest friend, or how I love to listen to his conversation and how much I miss our talks or even comment on his singular choice of braces and his charming head of hair. I am to not even acknowledge him as one would a mere acquaintance. I am not to greet him as a friend. I am nothing to his life. Not even seen by my best friend. Can one be humbled more than that? Every day I learn the answer is yes, one can.